Tuesday, September 19, 2023

Journal Entry.

 A Saturday night as I sit to write this. So many things on my mind, so many things have happened. I don't know what to write about, but I know I want to write and that is why I am here. I suppose I feel like I'm just writing words, to write something, anything, to fill up the page. Much like I do for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) every November. I suppose that's a good place to start. Is it ok to start two sentences right next to one another with "I suppose"? It probably doesn't matter, at least that's what I'm telling myself right now.

Anyway, about NaNoWriMo. I'm the ML, or "leader/volunteer" for my region now. That's pretty exciting. It takes a lot out of me sometimes. I enjoy it though, I so enjoy the writing community that I always get. I've already started prepping for this November, thinking about where I want to host events and getting together goodie bags for my fellow writers.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing a good job and if my absence from the group chat/servers has caused people to grow tired of me as their ML. I want to believe the best of them, but I also doubt myself and I keep telling myself I should be doing more. I should be more present. Maybe I'm too hard on myself and everything is ok and we'll have another great year. That's what I'd like to believe.

I'm trying to have a better outlook on things, to be more positive in my thinking. It's not always easy. Though I have been on a journey of self-discovery the last couple of years. I've become more sure about some things, mainly that I don't really understand much. Such as, what is real and what exists and what happens after we die?

Loosing loved ones makes you think about that a lot. With everyone saying, "we'll see them again one day", I have to ask myself, "am I different?" Am I different for not sharing this belief by those around me? Am I different for telling myself, "I may never see them again"? Am I a bad person for wondering, "maybe there isn't anything after this"? 

Or maybe there is. And maybe we still exist, in some form or energy. And maybe we don't share the memories we have with us now. So maybe we will see one another again, in a different form, in a different life. Maybe we'll be floating in the cosmos. And we'll be sad at first, but then we'll know we are safe and we won't even question the possibility of who we once were. And somewhere, deep down, we'll know it was all worth it.

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