Energy.

Journal entry no. 5

It's very dark outside right now. It feels later than it is because it's that time of year when the sun starts setting a little earlier and earlier each day. It's raining too. My body feels very relaxed and my mind is altered. I can smell the petrichor. I can hear the rhythmic patter outside my open window and I thought it was such a lovely sound and I decided to journal a little because writing during the rain is a very romantic notion. So here I am. And I was just thinking about energy.

I am energy. I am a conscious being and I am energy. What if, when I die, I am still energy? It doesn't just go away. It's always there. I could still be here, always. Existing as energy. What if I do not remember my previous life. I have no memories. I am energy.

I still have feelings though, maybe even emotions. And I experience loss. What if I can't remember my life, nor am I aware I even had one, but what if I feel the emptiness it life behind? I am sad, and I don't know why. 

Now I am floating in darkness. Floating in space. I see stars, all around me. This is all I see. This is all I know. This is what I am. I am a part of everything and everything is a part of me.

I think, Why do I exist? Why am I conscious? Is everyone? Is that what it means to exist? To be alive. To have consciousness. To be consciousness.

I am comforted by the Mother, or the universe, or whatever exists. And what if she knows I am sad and she knows there is a part of me that feels the loss of the life I had?

But the Mother knows this is just part of my existence and somehow, I know too. Because I chose this and she chose this. Because she is me and I am her. Because I was meant to experience everything, even if it meant it hurt. Because I wanted to experience everything. And being able to experience everything is beautiful. So maybe even pain is beautiful because it means I am capable of experiencing it?

What if that's all we were meant to do? Live. Live in harmony with ourselves. Experience. Experience life.

Soon I will fulfill my purpose yet again. I will live and I will experience. And I won't be scared anymore.